Please ignore all typos; done from my iPod touch. Just got it today.
So I'm here in my bed thinking about how much I'm failing at this thing called "The Walk" . Man this walk with Christ sure is difficult. I mean life in general is redonculous. I'm learning everyday that this walk is much more than I thought it was when I signed on the dotted line. Everytime I thinkI get "it" I really don't. Maybe God is teaching me that it's not for me to get. Perhaps I'm expecting too much in too little time. I feel like I'm working on a ridiclous math problem, you know, one of those problems you THOUGHT you solved but when you look closer, you realy didn't solve to begin with. Well then I guess this is what is, I don't get it and I won't get it. So much for trying too hard. Nobody told me I had to be this strong. I'm not Job. I don't want to be Job either. I'm totally just rambeling. This is what tired does to you. I guess I'll name this post, "Mid-Night Ramblings".
Night peeps!
~jay
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I'm Naked and Loving it! A Facebook Note
You probably clicked on my note to see some sick obscenity of a piece. Ya’ll know that’s NOT what I’s be’s bout! Lol. This is all about my hair, yes my relaxer-free hair, my naked hair.
Soo this natural hair thing better be that serious. I’ve been “natural” aka relaxer free on and off for the past 4 years maybe?? Or may be more. But whatever that’s not the point of this note.
I must admit, I’m a youtube junkie. On youtube there are tons, I mean TONS of African American women (and other races) who have let go the relaxer and decided to go out butt naked. hehe. So recently I was going through some Facebook pictures and I started to notice a lot of my friends “going natural”. Now, it started to hit home: a lot of women are opting out of the “creamy crack”. Man, I don’t know if it was that “Good Hair” movie, my Chris Rock, or Solange Knowles’s drastic hair cut, but whatever it is, it better be THAT serious, for er’body to be starting to do it, LAWD! lol.
This brings my to why I decided to “let go” of the perm. First off I’ve ALWAYS loved BIG hair. Ya’ll remember my Oprah hair, lol? I loved it! As a littler girl, I remember running around the house screaming, “Mommy, do you like my Afro?!?!”. Now, let’s fast-forward to middle school. I must admit, I was utterly obsessed with Lauren Hill and her whole vibe—emphasis on the natural hair. Yes, people you can thank Lauren Hill for my initial drive to go “naked”, lol. Now, let’s hop n skip to high school. At my high school, if you were “different”, consider yourself ostracized, like you had leprosy or something. So yea, cutting off all my hair and going with the “asa lama lakum” look wasn’t definitely detrimental my rep (as if I had any, lol!) Skip over to college….College…COLLEGE! Whoo! Talk about my gateway to freedom! I had a few conversations with my girl Nicole and #POW summer 06’ it was all gone…Let the ostracizing begin! I thought it was cool, apparently friends and family didn’t think the same. It was rough, I mean rough. It’s hard when people think you’re Brittany Spears kind of crazy because you cut off all your locs. To me, it was JUST HAIR..it grows back.
And grow back it did. I loved every moment, every stare, every comment, everything! I felt empowered, I felt like a new person; I was able to express myself the way I truly wanted to. :: Sigh :: those were the days! I stayed relaxer-free for approximately 21 months. Unfortunately, I fell prey to the “creamy crack” and relaxed my hair. It had to be the stupidest decision I had ever mad in my life. The only reason why I relaxed my hair was becasue I didn’t want to look a hot ghetto mess for my Birthday and I was too cheap to pay someone to style it for me. So yea, I did what I knew best, I permed it.
I only stayed permed up for about a year, maybe longer. And then here came the weed-whacker again, lol. May 2009 I cut it all off again because I missed my fro and I desperately needed a confidence boost at the time. Now, I’m 16 months in, I think, lol and I don’t plan on turning back. At least not for now. : ) To be honest with you, I love my hair in both states, I think I like the perm-free better though. It is in that state where I am most confident, where I am the best me I can be. I love it and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve heard people say, “This natural hair thing is fad..” Well, it’s not a fad for everybody, especially not for me. It’s been a deep desire of mine for a while and for me to buzz cut twice just reassures me that I love the natural me. Dude, like, I’m naked, and loving it! : )
~Jay
Soo this natural hair thing better be that serious. I’ve been “natural” aka relaxer free on and off for the past 4 years maybe?? Or may be more. But whatever that’s not the point of this note.
I must admit, I’m a youtube junkie. On youtube there are tons, I mean TONS of African American women (and other races) who have let go the relaxer and decided to go out butt naked. hehe. So recently I was going through some Facebook pictures and I started to notice a lot of my friends “going natural”. Now, it started to hit home: a lot of women are opting out of the “creamy crack”. Man, I don’t know if it was that “Good Hair” movie, my Chris Rock, or Solange Knowles’s drastic hair cut, but whatever it is, it better be THAT serious, for er’body to be starting to do it, LAWD! lol.
This brings my to why I decided to “let go” of the perm. First off I’ve ALWAYS loved BIG hair. Ya’ll remember my Oprah hair, lol? I loved it! As a littler girl, I remember running around the house screaming, “Mommy, do you like my Afro?!?!”. Now, let’s fast-forward to middle school. I must admit, I was utterly obsessed with Lauren Hill and her whole vibe—emphasis on the natural hair. Yes, people you can thank Lauren Hill for my initial drive to go “naked”, lol. Now, let’s hop n skip to high school. At my high school, if you were “different”, consider yourself ostracized, like you had leprosy or something. So yea, cutting off all my hair and going with the “asa lama lakum” look wasn’t definitely detrimental my rep (as if I had any, lol!) Skip over to college….College…COLLEGE! Whoo! Talk about my gateway to freedom! I had a few conversations with my girl Nicole and #POW summer 06’ it was all gone…Let the ostracizing begin! I thought it was cool, apparently friends and family didn’t think the same. It was rough, I mean rough. It’s hard when people think you’re Brittany Spears kind of crazy because you cut off all your locs. To me, it was JUST HAIR..it grows back.
And grow back it did. I loved every moment, every stare, every comment, everything! I felt empowered, I felt like a new person; I was able to express myself the way I truly wanted to. :: Sigh :: those were the days! I stayed relaxer-free for approximately 21 months. Unfortunately, I fell prey to the “creamy crack” and relaxed my hair. It had to be the stupidest decision I had ever mad in my life. The only reason why I relaxed my hair was becasue I didn’t want to look a hot ghetto mess for my Birthday and I was too cheap to pay someone to style it for me. So yea, I did what I knew best, I permed it.
I only stayed permed up for about a year, maybe longer. And then here came the weed-whacker again, lol. May 2009 I cut it all off again because I missed my fro and I desperately needed a confidence boost at the time. Now, I’m 16 months in, I think, lol and I don’t plan on turning back. At least not for now. : ) To be honest with you, I love my hair in both states, I think I like the perm-free better though. It is in that state where I am most confident, where I am the best me I can be. I love it and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve heard people say, “This natural hair thing is fad..” Well, it’s not a fad for everybody, especially not for me. It’s been a deep desire of mine for a while and for me to buzz cut twice just reassures me that I love the natural me. Dude, like, I’m naked, and loving it! : )
~Jay
Saturday, September 4, 2010
An Artist Trapped
A Facebook Note by Jay :)
This one was requested. Haha, yea right. ;) This is nothing deep just a little more about "THE JAY" :o)
An Artist Trapped
Many people don't know this about me, but I really enjoy writing poetry, painting, and listening AND playing music. Now, I've never considered myself an artist, as every Joe Shmoe can declare themselves as one. But as I look back on my past I quickly realized that's exactly what I am. It only makes sense. Any other interpretation just doesn't coincide.
Believe it or not, my first love was drawing. Yes, drawing. I distinctly remember being able to replicate a picture of school bus when I was in kindergarten. Yes, kindergarten. As I moved on to a higher grade level, I remember getting extremely excited about Art class. I enjoyed every moment of it, from the water painting, to sculpting, to drawing, pastel, sketching....everything. I would draw on my free time whenever I had the opportunity.
This love followed me well into my middles school years. Ahhh, those were the days...drawing for people, sketching graffiti letters and the like. Truly, I enjoyed it. I also remember the day when I would daydream of having my own fashion line—at the time, I just could not find clothes that fit me properly. I would dream of different hairstyles, color schemes and everything! So you may be wondering, "Well, why didn't you take an art class or go to art school?" The answer is simple: I was always taught that an academic degree was my "way out", whether it was a nursing degree or business degree. And that's what I did. Now, has it paid off? Yes, in a sense, but I'm not happy. To this day I STILL daydream about different hairstyles, fashion ideas and the like. I still sketch and I still enjoy it.
My next love is music and poetry, but not in the way most people like it. I actually like to create it. Growing up I was always exposed to somebody in my family playing the piano or the guitar or something, and LAWD, not to mention singing. You know er'body and they mama think they Aritha Franklin, lol! For as long as I could remember I was on some choir or playing some instrument point of my life. I started "singing" in a choirs when I was like, what? 5 yrs old maybe?? I started playing the clarinet in the 7th grade and continued that until 12th grade.
I was also always writing something of some sort. I started journaling when I was in the 4th grade and I still do it now. I mean, I don't do it as frequently, but I do it nonetheless. Some of my journal entries became poetry entries. My first "official" poem (that I could remember) was named "Who Am I" written in the 8th grade. Throughout the years I took chances to "update" it. Man, I wish I could find the different pieces; it would be great to see how much I have grown as an individual.
I digress. Ironically, I never really was consistent with any of things as far as professional training was concerned. So I never really got to explore these things in depth. Now, I'm 23 with a Bachelors of Science in Psychology working as a supervisor at a retail store. With a combination of my college experience, work experience, and life experience, every part of my interest in music, art, and poetry has been sucked out. What's my point? .......I miss it, I need it. Real life hit me and I'm no longer able to dig for the artist in me. I'm not free to express myself the way I would like. Society told me to dress and act a certain way. So I did. Society told me to get an academic degree. So I did. Society told me to get a whack job AKA chase after money. So I did. Little did I know that society's agenda for me wasn't my agenda for me. I used to wonder "Who Am I". So who am I? I am an artist trapped. I want to be free...Society, please, LET ME DO MY DO!
Jay <3
This one was requested. Haha, yea right. ;) This is nothing deep just a little more about "THE JAY" :o)
An Artist Trapped
Many people don't know this about me, but I really enjoy writing poetry, painting, and listening AND playing music. Now, I've never considered myself an artist, as every Joe Shmoe can declare themselves as one. But as I look back on my past I quickly realized that's exactly what I am. It only makes sense. Any other interpretation just doesn't coincide.
Believe it or not, my first love was drawing. Yes, drawing. I distinctly remember being able to replicate a picture of school bus when I was in kindergarten. Yes, kindergarten. As I moved on to a higher grade level, I remember getting extremely excited about Art class. I enjoyed every moment of it, from the water painting, to sculpting, to drawing, pastel, sketching....everything. I would draw on my free time whenever I had the opportunity.
This love followed me well into my middles school years. Ahhh, those were the days...drawing for people, sketching graffiti letters and the like. Truly, I enjoyed it. I also remember the day when I would daydream of having my own fashion line—at the time, I just could not find clothes that fit me properly. I would dream of different hairstyles, color schemes and everything! So you may be wondering, "Well, why didn't you take an art class or go to art school?" The answer is simple: I was always taught that an academic degree was my "way out", whether it was a nursing degree or business degree. And that's what I did. Now, has it paid off? Yes, in a sense, but I'm not happy. To this day I STILL daydream about different hairstyles, fashion ideas and the like. I still sketch and I still enjoy it.
My next love is music and poetry, but not in the way most people like it. I actually like to create it. Growing up I was always exposed to somebody in my family playing the piano or the guitar or something, and LAWD, not to mention singing. You know er'body and they mama think they Aritha Franklin, lol! For as long as I could remember I was on some choir or playing some instrument point of my life. I started "singing" in a choirs when I was like, what? 5 yrs old maybe?? I started playing the clarinet in the 7th grade and continued that until 12th grade.
I was also always writing something of some sort. I started journaling when I was in the 4th grade and I still do it now. I mean, I don't do it as frequently, but I do it nonetheless. Some of my journal entries became poetry entries. My first "official" poem (that I could remember) was named "Who Am I" written in the 8th grade. Throughout the years I took chances to "update" it. Man, I wish I could find the different pieces; it would be great to see how much I have grown as an individual.
I digress. Ironically, I never really was consistent with any of things as far as professional training was concerned. So I never really got to explore these things in depth. Now, I'm 23 with a Bachelors of Science in Psychology working as a supervisor at a retail store. With a combination of my college experience, work experience, and life experience, every part of my interest in music, art, and poetry has been sucked out. What's my point? .......I miss it, I need it. Real life hit me and I'm no longer able to dig for the artist in me. I'm not free to express myself the way I would like. Society told me to dress and act a certain way. So I did. Society told me to get an academic degree. So I did. Society told me to get a whack job AKA chase after money. So I did. Little did I know that society's agenda for me wasn't my agenda for me. I used to wonder "Who Am I". So who am I? I am an artist trapped. I want to be free...Society, please, LET ME DO MY DO!
Jay <3
Friday, August 6, 2010
Out of Many One People
Today, I wanted to share some of my heritage with you guys. If you don't know the flag above is the flag of the beautiful island of Jamaica. If you haven't guessed it yet, I am of Jamaican decent. Yes, I am a proud Jamaican! My entire family is from there and I wouldn't have it any other way. :) So why share my heritage with you today? Well, today is Jamaica's Independence Day! That's right, on August 6th, 1962 Jamaican was finally freed from the grips of the British. :) Big up to di yardi dem! Here's a video that celebrates this lush and vibrant country.
<3>
Until next time, enjoy!
~Jay
Until next time, enjoy!
~Jay
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Taking my blog to the world! Haha!
I'm really starting to enjoy this blogging thing! Wow! :) last night, or early this morning, I had been going through all my previous blog posts. My very first post was March 2009--that's a long time ago, at least for me. bolg
I think I'm ready to open my blog to the public, you know, allowing comments, dialague n such....am I ready? Let's see. It's about 10:40 a.m. as I'm writing. I woke up to some ruckus going on in my house. Man, am I tiiirreedd. I can't go back to sleep though, I have to start getting ready for work. Boooo! Anywho, I think I'm going to start making more purposeful and frequent blogs or at least I'm trying. It's almost becoming cathartic. If you've read my previous post about my "social death" or the death of my social life, you would understand. Or maybe not? Let me explain. The Internet is full of some crazies, let's admit that, BUT there are a few normal people out there, you know, like you and I. :) So since I can't meet people in person, why not use this innovative tool called the world wide web! :) With that said, I will be attempting to "revamp" my blog, by making it a little more personal and a little more revealing. I'm gong to try to put a real "About Me" section. The problem is that blogger.com doesn't really allow much flexibility or so I see. Maybe I should move to Typepad?? Or maybe building a real website? That would be an adventure, wouldn't it? LOL!
Well, I'm done with this almost pointless blog entry. Really, just trying to get into the habit of being consistent with this thing. :)
Until then, live your life, SELAH! :)
I think I'm ready to open my blog to the public, you know, allowing comments, dialague n such....am I ready? Let's see. It's about 10:40 a.m. as I'm writing. I woke up to some ruckus going on in my house. Man, am I tiiirreedd. I can't go back to sleep though, I have to start getting ready for work. Boooo! Anywho, I think I'm going to start making more purposeful and frequent blogs or at least I'm trying. It's almost becoming cathartic. If you've read my previous post about my "social death" or the death of my social life, you would understand. Or maybe not? Let me explain. The Internet is full of some crazies, let's admit that, BUT there are a few normal people out there, you know, like you and I. :) So since I can't meet people in person, why not use this innovative tool called the world wide web! :) With that said, I will be attempting to "revamp" my blog, by making it a little more personal and a little more revealing. I'm gong to try to put a real "About Me" section. The problem is that blogger.com doesn't really allow much flexibility or so I see. Maybe I should move to Typepad?? Or maybe building a real website? That would be an adventure, wouldn't it? LOL!
Well, I'm done with this almost pointless blog entry. Really, just trying to get into the habit of being consistent with this thing. :)
Until then, live your life, SELAH! :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The End of College = The Death of my social life :(
Death of my social life? Ok, so here's my definition of "death of a social life": an abrupt interruption or complete ceasing of social interaction and or engaements.
College was THE BEST experience I have ever had in my ENTIRE life, hands down. It also happened to be the part of my life where I had the most AMAZING friends and experiences. Since moving back home I have yet to have an experience that could match up to the greatness of my college experiences.
Currently, I'm working at a retail store as a "Department Supervisor w/keys"--ain't nothin' serious, it pays the bills though! Now, I don't know if you've worked in retail or not but my experience so far has been HORRIBLE. Yes, completely detestable in every which way possible. Thank God for the experience though, because I do plan on using this job experience as a means to catapult me into my desired career. Haha, I digress, moving on. :) One of the main reason why I hate retail is that it requires that you work all the days the rest of the world is either vacationing or taking a day off from work; i.e. nights, weekends, and holidays--Lawd! Now this is a complete 180 degree difference from my college life a.k.a. my "previous life", lol. Going to school allowed the flexibility to go on vacations. You know, the summer breaks, spring breaks, holiday breaks etc. Not only that, because I was in such an environment where meeting somebody new was inevitable, I met like a gazillion people all the time and made life time connections. Working in this industry, I haven't even been able to maintain the connections I've made throughout my life much less make new ones. :( And this is why I call my after college life Social Death.
You know, I'm thankful for my job, but man is it mentally taxing! I can't even go to church. :( Sometimes I really wonder if I should stay at this job. I'm like, "God, is this really what you would have for my life? Really, what should I be learning on this journey that you've placed me on?" Don't get me wrong, I've been learning and trying my best to maintain what I've learned. I guess when I eventually learn these "lessons", I'll be able to move on with my life.
Until then, let the Social Death reign :(
~Jay
"No Titles, No Themes, Whatever comes...."
College was THE BEST experience I have ever had in my ENTIRE life, hands down. It also happened to be the part of my life where I had the most AMAZING friends and experiences. Since moving back home I have yet to have an experience that could match up to the greatness of my college experiences.
Currently, I'm working at a retail store as a "Department Supervisor w/keys"--ain't nothin' serious, it pays the bills though! Now, I don't know if you've worked in retail or not but my experience so far has been HORRIBLE. Yes, completely detestable in every which way possible. Thank God for the experience though, because I do plan on using this job experience as a means to catapult me into my desired career. Haha, I digress, moving on. :) One of the main reason why I hate retail is that it requires that you work all the days the rest of the world is either vacationing or taking a day off from work; i.e. nights, weekends, and holidays--Lawd! Now this is a complete 180 degree difference from my college life a.k.a. my "previous life", lol. Going to school allowed the flexibility to go on vacations. You know, the summer breaks, spring breaks, holiday breaks etc. Not only that, because I was in such an environment where meeting somebody new was inevitable, I met like a gazillion people all the time and made life time connections. Working in this industry, I haven't even been able to maintain the connections I've made throughout my life much less make new ones. :( And this is why I call my after college life Social Death.
You know, I'm thankful for my job, but man is it mentally taxing! I can't even go to church. :( Sometimes I really wonder if I should stay at this job. I'm like, "God, is this really what you would have for my life? Really, what should I be learning on this journey that you've placed me on?" Don't get me wrong, I've been learning and trying my best to maintain what I've learned. I guess when I eventually learn these "lessons", I'll be able to move on with my life.
Until then, let the Social Death reign :(
~Jay
"No Titles, No Themes, Whatever comes...."
One story at a time. The life.
I wrote this on Feb. 16, 2010 @ 8:04 a.m., posted it, then took it down out of shame and embarrassment. I'm not sure if I should post this, but I will post it anyway. Before you read know that I am just like any other human being. I'm no superhuman nor am I some sort of "holier than thou", because to be quite frank I am faaaaar from it. Jesus Redeems. Amen!
:o)
Good morning, good evening, good night. Today is February 16, 2010. Hopefully I'll be able to publish this today. I woke up and I felt like blogging about my life. I really have no set topic to write about, I'm just gonna go with the flow.
I was scheduled to graduate December 2008. I managed to get my degree in 3 1/2 years. I thought "Wow, what an accomplishment". Little did I know what the coming months would bring.On September 18, 2008 I lost a family friend of mine in a car accident. Her name was Kimone Anderson, a budding gospel singer. She had a beautiful heart. Unfortunately, I never really took the time out to enjoy her the way sisters in Christ should enjoy each other. Prior to her passing, we had a conversation. It was a conversation that i thought was the beginning of a great relationship. We talked mostly about school, future plans, and pressure from friends and family to be successful. Like myself, she too was scheduled to graduate December 2008. We had exchanged numbers that day (I never had her phone number). We said would would "talk" later--we never got to talk.
I remember that last semester like it was yesterday. I was working, volunteering, taking my last 3 classes and trying to cope with her death all in one breath. It was difficult. There were weeks where I didn't go to class or volunteering at all. I cried myself to sleep most nights. Not because I lost a friendship, but because I realized how fragile life was. I realized that nobody was exempt from that appointment with death. Death scared me. I never talked about it, I never dealt with it head on, I avoided it. It was a reality check.
Unfortunately, I didn't cope well. I screwed up my grades, which later cost me to not graduated with honors (by .01 pts) I began to get a bit boy crazy. I stopped going to church, all in the name of "work & $$"--which looking back was not worth it at all. As a result my faith in Jesus was low. I didn't pray, I didn't go to church. I had a bunch of jumbled and confused feelings inside me.--I should have prayed, I should have talked.
By Jan 09' the realities hit me. I had no real job, no $$, and no plans. Unfortunately, i forfeited graduate school. I was not only scared I wasn't going to get in, but I admit I was too lazy to do the work it entailed.--I should have worked. I should have not doubted God.
I was delusional. I claimed that I was "studying" for the GRE--Grad school version of the SAT. That same month, I met a guy named..well, let me not put him out there. We met at a social gathering that I should not have gone to in the first place.--I should have listened to God speaking. I should have acknowledged Him tugging on my heartstrings--i didn't.
At the time "HE" began to become my everything. Not because I loved him. Not because I wanted a boyfriend. It was because I was searching for a way to cope. It sounds silly, but it is not uncommon, unfortunately. If ONLY i had only clung to God. IF ONLY. "HE" and I ended up doing some things we should not have doing. It threw me into a whole other whirlwind of guilt and shame. Not only did I not have plans for my future, but I had sinned against my body, something I gave to God. I was redeemed. All redemption was lost within a few months.(in my eyes of course, but praise God for the redemptive blood of Jesus!)
I was living in "sin" for approximately 3 1/2 months. Each time I was done with the deed i cried my eyes and heart out. It didn't feel good. I wasn't happy. I soon was beginning to realize that I needed to start praying. I had gone so deep in my carnal pleasures that even when I would pray and repent, I STILL went back to my vomit, like a dog. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.
To combat, I did the unthinkable: I told my mother. Immediately she snatched me away from Gainesville, FL. I told her that Thursday, I was home by that Saturday. I guess it was for the better. It definitely stopped me from sinning against my body and God.
I thought everything would be alright. I was home now. Safe. I was wrong. I was so hung on to this man, that he still had control over me even 6 hours away from me. To retaliate, I almost immediately got involved with another guy--dumb move. The guy was hardly worth my time.
Finally, I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. I dropped them all. I was on my way. I was praying, in spite of the fact I was home and miserable--forgot to add that part. I was reading my bible. I was getting involved with fellow Christians.
Since then, it has been a roller coaster. Now that my carnal pleasures no longer had control over me, the devil came with something else: Frustration. Frustration with not being able to find a job. Frustration with my parents who were pressuring me to find a job in this slumped economy. I eventually found a job--a Mickey mouse job, but a job nonetheless. It could hardly suffice, but God is good.
Today, I'm still struggling on this path. I have a plan now, but I still have no real money to carry it out, but I have given up. I have given God the car keys. When Jesus was on His 40 day fast, satan temped him saying "If you are the Son of God, turn these stones into bread". Jesus answered him saying "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God". Today I have faith. I cling to the word of God because that is the only thing that will last forever. I faith, not that God will give me what I ask for, but that God will provide what I need. Anything that He has given me is enough. I can not question the Most High. He knows best. His word says "...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character and character, hope. hope does not disappoint us...." So today I have a new hope.
What is the point of outpouring today: To inspire and to bless someone with my story. In life there will be growing pains. Just like gold, we must go through fire to become refined. The word of God says...."I forget the things of the pass and looked to the things which are before me..I press toward the mark of the high calling which is in Christ Jesus" Forget your past, and press for Jesus. In everything you do, work on, or go through, know that it is only to further advance the kingdom of God and to give the Most High GLORY. Don't yield to carnal thinking. Close your carnal eyes and open the eyes of your heart. Things will make much more sense. Believe it or not God has blessed you beyond measure! He has blessed you with His son (a second chance), His grace, mercy and love. To live this life, it will suffice. Spiritual triumphs and blessings are the best and the most important. Don't let the things of this world be a distraction. Press forth toward Jesus. Don't doubt Him.
Peace and Love
Jay
**Love God, Love People**
:o)
Good morning, good evening, good night. Today is February 16, 2010. Hopefully I'll be able to publish this today. I woke up and I felt like blogging about my life. I really have no set topic to write about, I'm just gonna go with the flow.
I was scheduled to graduate December 2008. I managed to get my degree in 3 1/2 years. I thought "Wow, what an accomplishment". Little did I know what the coming months would bring.On September 18, 2008 I lost a family friend of mine in a car accident. Her name was Kimone Anderson, a budding gospel singer. She had a beautiful heart. Unfortunately, I never really took the time out to enjoy her the way sisters in Christ should enjoy each other. Prior to her passing, we had a conversation. It was a conversation that i thought was the beginning of a great relationship. We talked mostly about school, future plans, and pressure from friends and family to be successful. Like myself, she too was scheduled to graduate December 2008. We had exchanged numbers that day (I never had her phone number). We said would would "talk" later--we never got to talk.
I remember that last semester like it was yesterday. I was working, volunteering, taking my last 3 classes and trying to cope with her death all in one breath. It was difficult. There were weeks where I didn't go to class or volunteering at all. I cried myself to sleep most nights. Not because I lost a friendship, but because I realized how fragile life was. I realized that nobody was exempt from that appointment with death. Death scared me. I never talked about it, I never dealt with it head on, I avoided it. It was a reality check.
Unfortunately, I didn't cope well. I screwed up my grades, which later cost me to not graduated with honors (by .01 pts) I began to get a bit boy crazy. I stopped going to church, all in the name of "work & $$"--which looking back was not worth it at all. As a result my faith in Jesus was low. I didn't pray, I didn't go to church. I had a bunch of jumbled and confused feelings inside me.--I should have prayed, I should have talked.
By Jan 09' the realities hit me. I had no real job, no $$, and no plans. Unfortunately, i forfeited graduate school. I was not only scared I wasn't going to get in, but I admit I was too lazy to do the work it entailed.--I should have worked. I should have not doubted God.
I was delusional. I claimed that I was "studying" for the GRE--Grad school version of the SAT. That same month, I met a guy named..well, let me not put him out there. We met at a social gathering that I should not have gone to in the first place.--I should have listened to God speaking. I should have acknowledged Him tugging on my heartstrings--i didn't.
At the time "HE" began to become my everything. Not because I loved him. Not because I wanted a boyfriend. It was because I was searching for a way to cope. It sounds silly, but it is not uncommon, unfortunately. If ONLY i had only clung to God. IF ONLY. "HE" and I ended up doing some things we should not have doing. It threw me into a whole other whirlwind of guilt and shame. Not only did I not have plans for my future, but I had sinned against my body, something I gave to God. I was redeemed. All redemption was lost within a few months.(in my eyes of course, but praise God for the redemptive blood of Jesus!)
I was living in "sin" for approximately 3 1/2 months. Each time I was done with the deed i cried my eyes and heart out. It didn't feel good. I wasn't happy. I soon was beginning to realize that I needed to start praying. I had gone so deep in my carnal pleasures that even when I would pray and repent, I STILL went back to my vomit, like a dog. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.
To combat, I did the unthinkable: I told my mother. Immediately she snatched me away from Gainesville, FL. I told her that Thursday, I was home by that Saturday. I guess it was for the better. It definitely stopped me from sinning against my body and God.
I thought everything would be alright. I was home now. Safe. I was wrong. I was so hung on to this man, that he still had control over me even 6 hours away from me. To retaliate, I almost immediately got involved with another guy--dumb move. The guy was hardly worth my time.
Finally, I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. I dropped them all. I was on my way. I was praying, in spite of the fact I was home and miserable--forgot to add that part. I was reading my bible. I was getting involved with fellow Christians.
Since then, it has been a roller coaster. Now that my carnal pleasures no longer had control over me, the devil came with something else: Frustration. Frustration with not being able to find a job. Frustration with my parents who were pressuring me to find a job in this slumped economy. I eventually found a job--a Mickey mouse job, but a job nonetheless. It could hardly suffice, but God is good.
Today, I'm still struggling on this path. I have a plan now, but I still have no real money to carry it out, but I have given up. I have given God the car keys. When Jesus was on His 40 day fast, satan temped him saying "If you are the Son of God, turn these stones into bread". Jesus answered him saying "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God". Today I have faith. I cling to the word of God because that is the only thing that will last forever. I faith, not that God will give me what I ask for, but that God will provide what I need. Anything that He has given me is enough. I can not question the Most High. He knows best. His word says "...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character and character, hope. hope does not disappoint us...." So today I have a new hope.
What is the point of outpouring today: To inspire and to bless someone with my story. In life there will be growing pains. Just like gold, we must go through fire to become refined. The word of God says...."I forget the things of the pass and looked to the things which are before me..I press toward the mark of the high calling which is in Christ Jesus" Forget your past, and press for Jesus. In everything you do, work on, or go through, know that it is only to further advance the kingdom of God and to give the Most High GLORY. Don't yield to carnal thinking. Close your carnal eyes and open the eyes of your heart. Things will make much more sense. Believe it or not God has blessed you beyond measure! He has blessed you with His son (a second chance), His grace, mercy and love. To live this life, it will suffice. Spiritual triumphs and blessings are the best and the most important. Don't let the things of this world be a distraction. Press forth toward Jesus. Don't doubt Him.
Peace and Love
Jay
**Love God, Love People**
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