I wrote this on Feb. 16, 2010 @ 8:04 a.m., posted it, then took it down out of shame and embarrassment. I'm not sure if I should post this, but I will post it anyway. Before you read know that I am just like any other human being. I'm no superhuman nor am I some sort of "holier than thou", because to be quite frank I am faaaaar from it. Jesus Redeems. Amen!
:o)
Good morning, good evening, good night. Today is February 16, 2010. Hopefully I'll be able to publish this today. I woke up and I felt like blogging about my life. I really have no set topic to write about, I'm just gonna go with the flow.
I was scheduled to graduate December 2008. I managed to get my degree in 3 1/2 years. I thought "Wow, what an accomplishment". Little did I know what the coming months would bring.On September 18, 2008 I lost a family friend of mine in a car accident. Her name was Kimone Anderson, a budding gospel singer. She had a beautiful heart. Unfortunately, I never really took the time out to enjoy her the way sisters in Christ should enjoy each other. Prior to her passing, we had a conversation. It was a conversation that i thought was the beginning of a great relationship. We talked mostly about school, future plans, and pressure from friends and family to be successful. Like myself, she too was scheduled to graduate December 2008. We had exchanged numbers that day (I never had her phone number). We said would would "talk" later--we never got to talk.
I remember that last semester like it was yesterday. I was working, volunteering, taking my last 3 classes and trying to cope with her death all in one breath. It was difficult. There were weeks where I didn't go to class or volunteering at all. I cried myself to sleep most nights. Not because I lost a friendship, but because I realized how fragile life was. I realized that nobody was exempt from that appointment with death. Death scared me. I never talked about it, I never dealt with it head on, I avoided it. It was a reality check.
Unfortunately, I didn't cope well. I screwed up my grades, which later cost me to not graduated with honors (by .01 pts) I began to get a bit boy crazy. I stopped going to church, all in the name of "work & $$"--which looking back was not worth it at all. As a result my faith in Jesus was low. I didn't pray, I didn't go to church. I had a bunch of jumbled and confused feelings inside me.--I should have prayed, I should have talked.
By Jan 09' the realities hit me. I had no real job, no $$, and no plans. Unfortunately, i forfeited graduate school. I was not only scared I wasn't going to get in, but I admit I was too lazy to do the work it entailed.--I should have worked. I should have not doubted God.
I was delusional. I claimed that I was "studying" for the GRE--Grad school version of the SAT. That same month, I met a guy named..well, let me not put him out there. We met at a social gathering that I should not have gone to in the first place.--I should have listened to God speaking. I should have acknowledged Him tugging on my heartstrings--i didn't.
At the time "HE" began to become my everything. Not because I loved him. Not because I wanted a boyfriend. It was because I was searching for a way to cope. It sounds silly, but it is not uncommon, unfortunately. If ONLY i had only clung to God. IF ONLY. "HE" and I ended up doing some things we should not have doing. It threw me into a whole other whirlwind of guilt and shame. Not only did I not have plans for my future, but I had sinned against my body, something I gave to God. I was redeemed. All redemption was lost within a few months.(in my eyes of course, but praise God for the redemptive blood of Jesus!)
I was living in "sin" for approximately 3 1/2 months. Each time I was done with the deed i cried my eyes and heart out. It didn't feel good. I wasn't happy. I soon was beginning to realize that I needed to start praying. I had gone so deep in my carnal pleasures that even when I would pray and repent, I STILL went back to my vomit, like a dog. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.
To combat, I did the unthinkable: I told my mother. Immediately she snatched me away from Gainesville, FL. I told her that Thursday, I was home by that Saturday. I guess it was for the better. It definitely stopped me from sinning against my body and God.
I thought everything would be alright. I was home now. Safe. I was wrong. I was so hung on to this man, that he still had control over me even 6 hours away from me. To retaliate, I almost immediately got involved with another guy--dumb move. The guy was hardly worth my time.
Finally, I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. I dropped them all. I was on my way. I was praying, in spite of the fact I was home and miserable--forgot to add that part. I was reading my bible. I was getting involved with fellow Christians.
Since then, it has been a roller coaster. Now that my carnal pleasures no longer had control over me, the devil came with something else: Frustration. Frustration with not being able to find a job. Frustration with my parents who were pressuring me to find a job in this slumped economy. I eventually found a job--a Mickey mouse job, but a job nonetheless. It could hardly suffice, but God is good.
Today, I'm still struggling on this path. I have a plan now, but I still have no real money to carry it out, but I have given up. I have given God the car keys. When Jesus was on His 40 day fast, satan temped him saying "If you are the Son of God, turn these stones into bread". Jesus answered him saying "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God". Today I have faith. I cling to the word of God because that is the only thing that will last forever. I faith, not that God will give me what I ask for, but that God will provide what I need. Anything that He has given me is enough. I can not question the Most High. He knows best. His word says "...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character and character, hope. hope does not disappoint us...." So today I have a new hope.
What is the point of outpouring today: To inspire and to bless someone with my story. In life there will be growing pains. Just like gold, we must go through fire to become refined. The word of God says...."I forget the things of the pass and looked to the things which are before me..I press toward the mark of the high calling which is in Christ Jesus" Forget your past, and press for Jesus. In everything you do, work on, or go through, know that it is only to further advance the kingdom of God and to give the Most High GLORY. Don't yield to carnal thinking. Close your carnal eyes and open the eyes of your heart. Things will make much more sense. Believe it or not God has blessed you beyond measure! He has blessed you with His son (a second chance), His grace, mercy and love. To live this life, it will suffice. Spiritual triumphs and blessings are the best and the most important. Don't let the things of this world be a distraction. Press forth toward Jesus. Don't doubt Him.
Peace and Love
Jay
**Love God, Love People**
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