It has been 2 years, 5 mnths, 1 wk, and 2 days since I've been back home in Miami. Ever since, I have been extremely unhappy. Going to church wasn't doing anything for me; praying wasn't working for me; going out wasn't working for me...Until now...
I can honestly say that this is the happiest I've been in so long. The ironic part is that nothing about my situation has changed. I still live at home with my mom and dad, I still am next to jobless. I mean I've "found love", but I do not thing that has contributed to my sudden realization.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends and I was telling her that I have given up on trying to be perfect and trying to please my parents. I feel like I have messed up so many times that at this stage there is no point in trying; as long as I can live with myself, and my situation I'm okay.
As far as my spirituality, I will not lie to you, I am not exactly where I should be. One thing though, I've learned to set aside all the legalities. I said to another one of good friends, "You come to Jesus knowing that you are broking and that you are going to fall over and over and over again....not for him to give you a one time happy fix"
All my life I have lived by the rules. As I grow older and wiser, I see that rules were meant to be bent and sometimes even broken. As for my salvation, I still believe that Jesus is Lord, but living by the "don't do this and don't do that" rules are out the window for me. It simply doesn't make sense anymore. When I look at the rest of the world I see some amazing people who are doing some wonderful Christlike things, but do not believe in Jesus; it baffles my mind. Then I look at the person who religiously makes it to church every Sunday but has a heart of dirt and grime....they do nothing for their fellow humans, they're greedy, selfish, and judgemental. I found that, that's what I was turning into. I was this super holy girl, who never went out of line, going by the do this, don't do that; I couldn't keep up. To make matters worse, my heart was full of jealousy, hate, dirt, and grime and on top of that the way I treated people was fake and simply unacceptable.
I've decided if I am going to represent Christ let me show the world that it's not about the do's and the don'ts, but rather the brokenness of humanity. In my opinion that's how it should be. Us "Christians" parade around with our bibles condemning the drunks and fornicators, while our hearts are just gross. We are just as broken as the one who does not know Jesus.
I say all this to say that I have moved on...finally. I am ready for the next chapter of my life. Thank God the drama is over. I am refocused and excited. I will no longer walk in the stuffiness of the modern day "Christian Way", but rather in the fullness of my brokenness. I'm broken and I openly admit that I need Jesus, there's no number of rules I can follow that will change my condition...
Love and reflect...
~Jay
