Comments about what I see in my daily living, What's going on in my life my passions, dreams, aspirations etc. Never forgeting that Yahweh is my Pilot. ~Selah~
I just want to say that God is awesome. Truly he has called me to be a light to this world. I've realized I am NOTHING without Him. As usual so many things goin' on in my life, lol. Most of it I'm too embarrassed to share. Not only that, I've let it go; it's in the sea of forgetfulness.
It has been 2 years, 5 mnths, 1 wk, and 2 days since I've been back home in Miami. Ever since, I have been extremely unhappy. Going to church wasn't doing anything for me; praying wasn't working for me; going out wasn't working for me...Until now...
I can honestly say that this is the happiest I've been in so long. The ironic part is that nothing about my situation has changed. I still live at home with my mom and dad, I still am next to jobless. I mean I've "found love", but I do not thing that has contributed to my sudden realization.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends and I was telling her that I have given up on trying to be perfect and trying to please my parents. I feel like I have messed up so many times that at this stage there is no point in trying; as long as I can live with myself, and my situation I'm okay.
As far as my spirituality, I will not lie to you, I am not exactly where I should be. One thing though, I've learned to set aside all the legalities. I said to another one of good friends, "You come to Jesus knowing that you are broking and that you are going to fall over and over and over again....not for him to give you a one time happy fix"
All my life I have lived by the rules. As I grow older and wiser, I see that rules were meant to be bent and sometimes even broken. As for my salvation, I still believe that Jesus is Lord, but living by the "don't do this and don't do that" rules are out the window for me. It simply doesn't make sense anymore. When I look at the rest of the world I see some amazing people who are doing some wonderful Christlike things, but do not believe in Jesus; it baffles my mind. Then I look at the person who religiously makes it to church every Sunday but has a heart of dirt and grime....they do nothing for their fellow humans, they're greedy, selfish, and judgemental. I found that, that's what I was turning into. I was this super holy girl, who never went out of line, going by the do this, don't do that; I couldn't keep up. To make matters worse, my heart was full of jealousy, hate, dirt, and grime and on top of that the way I treated people was fake and simply unacceptable.
I've decided if I am going to represent Christ let me show the world that it's not about the do's and the don'ts, but rather the brokenness of humanity. In my opinion that's how it should be. Us "Christians" parade around with our bibles condemning the drunks and fornicators, while our hearts are just gross. We are just as broken as the one who does not know Jesus.
I say all this to say that I have moved on...finally. I am ready for the next chapter of my life. Thank God the drama is over. I am refocused and excited. I will no longer walk in the stuffiness of the modern day "Christian Way", but rather in the fullness of my brokenness. I'm broken and I openly admit that I need Jesus, there's no number of rules I can follow that will change my condition...
I recently had a conversation with my mother. As usual she had her random pieces of gossip to share with me, in confidence of course, lol. It was about a young lady that we know who got married, had a child and bascially "let herself go". LoL. What I mean is that, before she was married, she was super hot. She dressed to impress all the time and was radient. Then she got married and had a kid. Now she's super cold, lol. I'm not saying this to put her down at all. I say this to draw reference to myself and how I myself have "let myself go". Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. SMH
Currently Listening to: Jennifer Howland's "Righteous Revolution" A song about new life in Christ.
Not my momma's religion. Or is it?
Lately, I've been really questioning my salvation. Truly at this point it is suspect and could be categorized as borderline backsliding.. ::Question Mark Look:: Yea, I know. People who know me in real life may see me as the "All Mighty Holy One". Nothing could be further from the truth. Just because I know and quote scripture doesn't mean that I am exempt from moral deprivation. Like most people, stray and do wrong.
My Back Story
Like many children in the U.S. I was born into Christianity. I knew that Sunday was the day for church, and it was important for me to pray and read my bible. I knew if I had sex before I was married I was a social outlier and God help me if I got pregnant out of wedlock. I knew it wasn't ok to lie, cheat, or steal. Wearing tight fitted clothes was next to blasphemy. Using derogatory language on church grounds warranted a Scarlet Letter. And let's not forget the issue of secular music. If it ain't say, "Jesus", "Son of God" or "Hallelujah", you could pretty much forget about it.
I must admit though, I was trained well. When I went off to college I didn't take advantage my freedom and turn into a wild child. For all 3 1/2 years, I was pretty much straight necked. My behavior after graduation however, when everything in my life went wrong, could totally be called to questioning.
Current:
My behavior can still be called to questioning. I keep wondering why I fell so hard and never got back up. As I listened to the words of the song, "Righteous Revolution" a paradigm began to draw in my thoughts: Before you find Christ: You were morally lost and thus broke all the rules. After you found Christ: You're holy, set a part and no longer participate in the immoral behaviors of the rest of the world. Although for all my life I considered myself "morally found", I can't say that my life mirrored the aforementioned paradigm. Simple. There was no particular line of demarcation that indicated the exact moment I found Christ. Why? Because I was raised in the Christian culture, it's all I knew. It wasn't like I was some outsider, that didn't know better. No, I was an inny, and I was in deep. It was in fact, my Momma's Religion.
Really, I thought I had this whole Christian thing figured out. I mean, it was my Momma's religion which I did make my own. I knew the Word, I could quote it and defend it. I understood that we are saved my Grace alone and not by any good deeds. I've been there. I felt the presence of the Lord. God has spoken to me and through me. I've danced like David, naked. I've understood that God placed me here for..Such a time as this..... Then why can't I get back up? Perhaps my life is a reflection of the great King Solomon, harvesting all the wisdom but still broken. Or maybe Moses, stubborn, and not eloquent in speech reluctant to be the light for the lost ones. Maybe I'm still stuck under the umbrella of Momma's Religion.
Easter is coming up. To be honest with you, I'm I don't want to go to church. For some reason, at this point, I feel inadequate and fake. I am a poor representation of Christ. Going to church will just make those feelings even more apparent. Perhaps I should go and re-read those bible stories I was once familiar with, take a page from each character's life story and be encouraged. Lord knows I'm tired of this cycle. I just wanna be ok. But I have full confidence that My God can cure the AIDS of the spirit and any ailment of the spirit. C'mon Jesus, I need your antibiotics! I need that Righteous Revolution! Speaking Redemption over my life. #Redeemed
~Jay
For your enjoyment, Lyrics below
All songs published by Lion of Zion Music (BMI) unless otherwise noted.
"RIGHTEOUS REVOLUTION (Feat. Monty G and Solomon Jabby)" Lyrics:
Written by Mark Mohr, Solomon Jabby, Jennifer Howland and Monty G. Music by Solomon Jabby and Mark Mohr
What the youth wants is a righteous revolution, ey yeah What the youth wants is a righteous solution
Righteous revolution, righteous revolution
Listen sister say you must understand You don’t know me so you can't comprehend That what I am it is not who I used to be, ooh yeah! And listen Mister say you don't understand That this is not a game and me nah play pretend And what I am it is not who I used to be, yeah!
CHORUS: Righteous revolution Let me hear my brothers and my sisters say Righteous revolution
Let me introduce myself So the world knows I'm not playing games with my soul Introduce myself I ain't swaying back and forth I ain't gonna compromise no more
What the youth wants is a righteous revolution, ey yeah What the youth want is a righteous solution
See it ya? Me nah there asleep no longer True we go serve the Father From me realize say Christ Him ah the Living Water True we bigger and we broader Righteousness ah di order Revolution de pon we border-Boom!
From we turn from sin and we nah go back True we did dangerous like a heart attack True Christ Him change we and we proud of that Forward we a trod and we nah dress back
(CHORUS) Let me introduce myself So the world knows I'm not playing games with my soul Introduce myself I ain't swaying back and forth I ain't gonna compromise no more Introduce Myself Hey, and now you know just where I’m coming from Introduce Myself I've been changed and now I am a new creation
We want the whole world to see it ya True me is a new creature We did wrap up in a sin like Meat up in a pita Salvation could not sweeter Now we a read Peter And we start fi preach so a now them call me preacher You can hear the Word of God We make it flow right through the speaker The humble to the meek ya Stronger to the weak ya We come fi make them know say I you want love come see it ya Live for Jesus and stop die up in a the streets ya
(CHORUS)
I'm not playing, I've been changed Ever since I called on Jesus name Like a butterfly wrapped up inside I spread my wings now I can fly! And we make the whole world see it there Fly! What the youth wants is a righteous revolution Bang ditty deng bong bitty deng What the youth wants is a righteous solution
Source for Lyrics: http://www.jenniferhowland.com/christafari/lyrics.html
Today was cool. I had a rocky beginning and a rather mellow ending which equals to an ok day. Today I had to do an oil change on my car, that was interesting. Why? Because my younger brother who is 3 years younger than me was my mouth peice and my father...well let's just say he was in cell phone land giving commmands and demands, lol. Gotta love that island militant mentality. <3
Afterwards I ran some errands: gas, groceries, and ran to the mall to pick up a few things.
TweetThought: As I walked around the stores in the mall today and practiced self control by not buying anything, In that moment I realized just how broke I was. Who can't spend $100 bucks on themselves once in a while?? Well, me. I mean sometimes I feel bad about it, but then I think about all the money I owe in student loans and the like. Then it makes sense. Sacrifice and Self Discipline is the name of the game. So far, so good. I have been able to pay down about $3000 bucks. It's a small portion, but I have been making progress nonetheless. I'm proud of that! :o)
Today was rather uneventful. To be honest with you, I pathetically wallowed in my shortcomings, sorrows, and failures. Why? I guess it's because it was one of those days. Currently my vehicle is out of commission and hence my current job. Lucky for me though, my boss isn't a straight-necked, power hungry monster.
For a majority of the day I tried to drown out negative thoughts with idle chatter with a friend via Skype while perusing movie titles on Netflix. I bounce back and forth between Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, eventually becoming mentally drained.
I soon found myself sitting on the edge my bed searching this old discolored royal blue carpet of mine for only Lord knows what. As my thoughts ping ponged its inner prison, my eyes had bucked into my corner of junk which reminded me I had photos that needed to be placed in photo albums eons ago. Ah, ha! I had found another way to escape my thoughts.
At that moment I decided to finally put the photo album together. What an adventure it turned out to be. To be quite honest it was a joy to take a walk down memory lane. I surfed through birthday memories and graduations, impromptu trips and random and rather memorable moments. Some pictures evoked pure bliss while some evoked unwanted feelings of discontentment and disappointment.
Overall, it was a rather animated nostalgic moment. I found myself engulfed in the memories and longing to revisit that season of my life; I have yet to close those chapters of my life..at least, that's what I found.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so sensitive and stubborn. If I weren't, I think I would be building fun and exciting memories right as I speak. C'est La Vie. One day I will be happy again, one day I will look back on this blog post and smile. Praying that I let go of the past, and press forth toward the future. Feeling really defeated today. ~Jay
Hello all you lovely people. If you didn't already know, I am a "natural hair junkie". What I mean is that I am completely obsessed with Afro Kinky hair in its "natural state". I obsessively read product reviews and watch YouTube videos trying to find new ideas on how to style and take of my natural hair. So, I've decided to kind of bring this obsession to my personal blog. :)
For this particular post I will be doing a mini product review of the products from the Shea Moisture Product line. Yes, I have decided to jump on the Shea Moisture bandwagon, lol. I purchased them from my local Walgreens at a cost of $9.99 each (various sizes, details below.)
The products I will be reviewing are the following
Organic Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo 12 fl oz/355 mL for $9.99
Organic Raw Shea Butter Restorative Conditioner 12 fl oz/355 mL $9.99 Organic Coconut & Hibiscus Curl Enhancing Smoothie 12 oz/340g $9.99 Organic Coconut & Hibiscus Hold & Shine Moisture Mist 8 fl oz/237 mL $9.99 About the products Apparently they are all Paraben, Phthalate, Paraffin, Gluten Propylene Glycol, Mineral Oil, Synthetic Fragrance, PABA, Synthetic Color, DEA, and Animal free. Whoa! That was a mouth full. I honestly can not tell you what all that is supposed to mean except that it's extra organic. I personally don't care whether a product is organic or inorganic, but for those of you who care that was for you. Collectively they include ingredients such as Sea Kelp, Argan Oil,Shea Butter, Coconut Oil, Silk Protein and Neem Oil.
Pre-View Review
Before I begin, let me say that I've only been able to use these products a few times, but so for, so good. The Moisture Retention Shampoo does NOT lather, which I'm not too fond about. The Restorative Conditioner is nothing special. It made my hair feel clean. I can't say that I liked the feeling. It's a far cry from my trusty Biotera Revitalizing Conditioner I will say this though, after washing and conditioning, my hair looked really shiny and healthy.
As for the Curl Enhancing Smoothie, it enhances not ONE curl, BUT it makes my hair feel very soft to the touch. It only lasted for half a day though :/. I used it on a chunky twits out. The Moisture Mist definitely has a hold factor because its kind of sticky. I think I will use it for my mini-twists, this month and see if it really does keep up the twists.
Over all I am satisfied with my purchases. I will continue to uses these products for at least one month. That way, I can give a better review. I can't' wait! Expect a full review a month from today.
My last post was a bit wordy and heady. So, I'll make this one light. I haven't been inspired so much. I guess I could tell you all about my day. It was rather easy going. I went to work and went to a mandatory food and beverage meeting. *yay* I was being sarcastic, lol. Anyway, after work I went to an open house for this Staffing Agency to find more information on available openings; it went well. :) You know, come to think of it, I started a blog post on paper while I was waiting. Oh! It was about my Jesus moment! But I'll save that for another post.
So I couldn't end this post without ending it with a random YouTube video. So, here's my "Favorite of the Week". It is thee most silly thing ever, and maybe even distasteful, but for some reason every time I watch it, it makes me burst into a sudden bout of uncontrollable laughter. Have a good one, beautiful people! Laugh a little!
Here it is: How you doooooin'!?!? If the Lord's been good lemme knooooww! Haha!
Kellen, if you happen to pass by, I promise, I ain't ya' stalker: "Mmmmmmmmmmmm..." LMBO!
Word of the day: Philomath-One who loves to learn, a scholar
I recently read a blog post written by this guy I met a few weeks ago. Click Here for the original post. His article was really interesting and it really stirred me, intellectually. In his blog post he asserts two things (1) Having a formal education is not indicative of your intellectual ability nor status and (2) True education springs from the individual and is usually nurtured by outside forces; knowledge is not necessarily poured into, as widely assumed by this socio-educational paradigm.
I’m going to take this discussion a little bit further by looking at it from a different perspective. In this discussion I will be exploring the relationship between formal education, financial success, and the love for learning; my perspective of the three and the role it has played in my life.
The Paradigm of Formal Eduction and Financial Success. Tomfoolery!
Growing up, I was taught that being a scholar was synonymous with being financialy free, which by no surprise, was my definition of success. Basically, the more information you knew via a formal education, the more successful you would become. In my world, it was The Law. From my own experience so far, however, I found this to be false. If you don’t know, I hold a Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology and I am an honorary member of Broke Phi Broke Sorority Inc. Meaning, I am broke, no money, poor, destitute, insolvent, ok, you get the picture. I am stuck with this big fancy degree and nothing to show for it but an oversized piece of paper with my name and couple of signatures on it.
Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with getting a degree. I just think that right now, the rules of the success game has changed, and it is simply time for us to go back to the drawing board and figure out how exactly are we to win this “game”. Like Mrs. Obama said in a recent interview on the NBC’s “Today’s Show” [super-paraphrased] “The days of holding a job for 20 years are over. It is time for us to build our skills and compete in that fashion”
A lover of scholastics and more
This brings me to the next part of this discussion: The love for learning. I have always been a lover of learning new things, for a while I didn’t know I really was until a witch of a high school teacher of mine gave me a cute little pin that said, “I love education, but it just has to stop!” Back then I abhorred that teacher. She only smiled with those who made “A’s”—those who she thought would be the “successful” people in life. Of course, I mad far less than “A’s” and I hardly made it to her list of successful people. After reading that pin, I felt like she had only given me that pin to undermine my intelligence. In retrospect though, that was how I felt; I loved to learn, but I hated institutionalized education with a passion. Every since I could remember, I’ve had a burning desire to learn more. Though-out high school and college, I read as much as I could and dabbled in as much hobbies as I could. I played the clarinet; I did a lot of sketching and now occasionally I dabble in acrylic painting; I’m dabbling in HTML and an array of other hobbies. I was striving to be, and still is striving to become the “Renaissance Man”, like the next black, female version of Leonardo De’Vince! Ok, maybe it’s a bit of stretch, but why not dream big?.
The True Spirit of Education
Now, did I ever consider myself a scholar? Absolutely not. How could I? After all, a scholar was one who made straight A’s, went to college and ended up with great jobs. And of course that wasn’t me, at all. Did I consider myself a relatively smart girl? Well, of course! Was my intellectual ability nurtured during formal education is the true question. To answer simply, no. In my opinion, anything I know now is a result of my natural intellectual ability and self discipline. Whether I had gone to school or not, I think I would still have the same intellectual caliber simply because of my love for learning.
What then is the true spirit of education? When I was in school what bothered me most were grades and standardized tests. I never thought they were accurate measures of intellect. I have met far too many educated fools in my life time. They the core of their haughtiness was found there good grades and high test scores, but still didn’t have that street-smart sensibility to relate to individuals on multiple levels of competencies. This leads me to believe that, holding a degree is not indicative of intellectual ability.
I will conclude that in essence the true spirit of education lies in the hands of the individual. True education is having a hunger for learning without the restraints of achievement and monetary motivation.
The Philomath in me
As grow older I am learning more and more that I am a free thinker, an artist if you will. Unfortunate for me, for a while I thought there was something wrong with me. Thanks be to God, I am growing into my quirky humor and undeniable awkwardness of my out-of-space thought. I love it. Although I was forced to put on thinking restraints and never was handed the opportunity to think and act freely, it hasn’t affected my here and now. Yes, I love to learn. Yes, I want to be financially free and successful; if it takes another degree or learning another skill, then so let it be. I know one thing’s for sure: from here on out, I will let the spirit of true education have free reign in my life. Never again will I allow grades, test scores, number of degrees or any such restrain to define my level of intellectual ability or predictor of success.
I know, I know, it's been a while. **no excuses** but I stumbled upon this song by a Christian rap artist name Lecrae called "God Is Enough". It was ridiculously timely; this had to be God! Lately I've been really struggling with the lack of spiritual desire. I'm even reading a book called "The Transforming Power of Spiritual Desire" by Darlene Bishop and even with the reading, I have ZERO spiritual desire; I have no joy.
I know it's pretty much due to the fact that I have a college degree and I'm working a dead-end job like everybody else. Certainly, I'm not "rollin' in dough" like I thought I would be. I have to be honest with myself. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with working those kinds of jobs. If that's what makes you happy, then by all means, do it!
Here's the irony: Today, as I was driving home from work I thought about how much I really like my job. It doesn't pay well by any means, **at all**. But every time I go, I enjoy myself. What’s my point? Today, I had joy. I am grateful for that. I truly believe it was the Joy of the Lord manifested. Like I said, this job isn't the most glamorous job in the world, but yet, I had joy. I love these random "Joy of the Lord" moments in the midst of a desert storm.
I say all this to say that GOD IS ENOUGH. Although I am lacking spiritual desire and I'm really discouraged by my job/money circumstances, I still understand that God is enough. More than enough. No matter what. One day, instead of random spouts of "Joy of the Lord" moments, I will be able to live a continuous, "Joy of the Lord" moment. Hope does not disappoint. Selah.
~Jay
Without further adieu: Lecrae, "God is Enough" (Lyrics Below)
Flame: (We so impressed) With them ladies Who be drivin' Mercedes Who be drivin' them crazy And we gotta be crazy (We so impressed) With them fellas Who be makin' them jealous Who be makin' them stellas And we gotta be crazy (I'm so impressed) King who on the throne Who left his heavenly home Never did a thing wrong They crucified him on A tree, there he made It was crazy how it set the stage For his resurrection from the grave That gets me amazed (You can be) the flyest man (With a) hundred grand in your hand Swag right, sag tight And a Gucci fan (You can) be the richest, be the smartest, be the hardest, all of that But I guarantee before I die they all are fallin' flat
Hook: Used to want a lotta things All the stuff that's on TV Education, cars, and clothes Fashion lights and jewelry (Focused on the wrong stuff) Now I got my eyes on you And now I know that
Chorus: God is enough God is enough God is enough You are enough Never too much More than enough God is enough You are enough for me
Lecrae: Party like the fast life, hurry this the last flight Chasin' all your dreams, this right here could be your last night And man you finally got your cash right But it never seems to last right You know you sick of lookin', you sick of chasin' I think you know the truth, you just don't wanna face it Your life is empty, though you havin' fun You never satisfied, you never get enough You go from thrill-seekin' to pill-poppin' From heavy drinkin' to club-hoppin' You just can't stop it, like you're a slave And you chasin' nothin' all the way into the grave
(Hook) Used to want a lotta things All the stuff that's on TV Education, cars, and clothes Fashion lights and jewelry (Focused on the wrong stuff) Now I got my eyes on you And now I know that
(Chorus) God is enough God is enough God is enough You are enough Never too much More than enough God is enough You are enough for me
Lecrae: Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want Takes away my fears, you restore my soul Off into the sky, the dead in Christ arise To be with you forever, see with the clearest eyes Quench my inner thirst, there's something more in life No money, cars, relationships compare to joy in Christ Love that falls from selfish ones that like to flirt with self-destruct No need to stut, know what I want, to keep it, but my God's enough
(Hook) Used to want a lotta things All the stuff that's on TV Education, cars, and clothes Fashion lights and jewelry (Focused on the wrong stuff) Now I got my eyes on you And now I know that
(Chorus) God is enough God is enough God is enough You are enough Never too much More than enough God is enough You are enough for me
I don't need these worldly things, no-oh I don't need these worldly things, no-oh More of you and less of me, G-od More of you and less of me, G-od I don't need these worldly things, no-oh I don't need these worldly things, no-oh More of you and less of me, G-od More of you and less of me, G-od
(Chorus) God is enough God is enough God is enough You are enough Never too much More than enough God is enough You are enough for me
